Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize