I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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