My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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