normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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