i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
