I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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