shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
