i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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