Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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