dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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