'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
