My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
