It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
