I am in a vortex of obligation.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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