Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
