Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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