What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
