To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
