Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
