Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize