She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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