Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i out mim tonsoeep
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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