i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
