btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
