my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
