Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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