can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
