The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
