A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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