Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you would pick up someone in the library
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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