when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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