I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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