Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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