I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize