Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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