Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
