i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
