last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
