god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
