new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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