I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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