mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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