There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
