you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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