tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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