I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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