dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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