I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
