At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
