i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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