If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
