I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
