You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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