So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
