I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
