I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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