My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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