im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize