I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I wear drunk well.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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